Your Work Can Wait: Why Caregiving Begins with Presence

Counselling Skills for Everyday Relationships

By Brian John Dorai*, School of Education, Humanities, and Social Sciences (SEHS)

Most people do not want you to solve the problem. They simply want to be heard.

When someone is distressed, the task in front of us can often wait; the emotion sitting beside us may not.

Caregiving often begins with a good intention: the desire to help. Yet in many everyday situations, we may start thinking of solutions too quickly, before we have listened to how the person feels or understood the whole situation.

A person in distress may first need space to speak, someone who will listen, and someone who will not rush to correct, minimise, or fix what they are feeling.

The skills used in counselling are not limited to formal counselling sessions. They are also useful when supporting an older person at home, listening to someone who feels lonely, helping a friend through a difficult day, or caring for a family member who needs patience repeatedly.

At the heart of caregiving is not the need to fix another person’s life immediately. It is the ability to help the person feel heard.

Understanding the realities of caregiving

Caregiving can be meaningful and rewarding, but it is not always easy. A passing problem may only require a short check-in.

Long-term caregiving is different. It may involve a person who repeatedly resists help, rejects advice, stays silent, or returns to the same difficulty again and again.

This is where many caregivers struggle. The instinct is often to solve the problem quickly.

When someone says they had a bad day, argued with a friend, or feels like a failure, it is tempting to minimise the issue or offer a solution. Yet this can become listening to solve, rather than listening to understand.

Common caregiving challenges include:

• Giving advice too quickly.
  The caregiver may not know the full situation. A suggestion to speak to a parent, employer, friend, or partner may sound practical, but could make things worse.
• Being pulled into the person’s distress.
  When someone is upset, angry, or resistant, the caregiver may also become anxious, frustrated, or overwhelmed.
• Running out of patience.
  People in distress may repeatedly say they are fine, even when they are not. Some need time before they can speak openly.
• Trying to control the outcome.
  Caregiving becomes heavier when the caregiver feels responsible for making the person improve immediately.

The person receiving care may be suffering physically, mentally, or emotionally. Older people, people who are ill, or those who have lost certain abilities may also struggle with a change in identity. They may focus on what they can no longer do, even when others still see life, potential, and connection.

Distress can appear as dependence, emotional reactions, anger directed outward, or withdrawal. Withdrawal can be especially difficult because the person may need care, but may not be ready to receive it.

The caregiver is human too

A good caregiver is sometimes expected to be endlessly patient. This is unrealistic. Caregivers can become tired, irritated, worried, guilty, or emotionally drained.

The key is self-awareness. When frustration rises, it is easy to speak with anger.

In caregiving, those moments matter because the person receiving care may already be vulnerable. A pause, a short walk, or a moment away from the situation can prevent frustration from becoming hurtful words.

Before responding, a caregiver may need to ask:

• Am I trying to understand, or am I trying to correct?
• Am I helping the person, or forcing the person to follow my way?
• Am I calm enough to continue this conversation?
• Do I need to step away first and return later?

Care must also be genuine. In long-term caregiving, people can sense when the caregiver is distracted, resentful, or expecting something in return.

Technique alone is not enough. The person must feel that the attention given is sincere.

Why listening comes before advice

Many people give advice because they want to help. However, advice is often not the best first response, especially when the issue involves stress, loneliness, anger, fear, or emotional pain.

Most people do not always want an immediate solution. They may already have options in mind, but need space to speak before they can face those options. Listening helps them process what they are feeling and what the situation means to them.

Advice can be unhelpful when:

• the caregiver has only heard part of the story;
• the advice sounds dismissive or judgemental;
• the issue requires professional, medical, or mental health support;
• the advice shifts attention away from the person’s feelings; or
• the caregiver begins to feel responsible for the outcome.

This does not mean guidance is never needed. Practical reminders, such as taking prescribed medication or following a necessary routine, may be appropriate. Even then, encouragement is usually more helpful than repeated instruction.

Using the SOLER model in everyday care

Listening is not passive silence. It is an active skill that helps another person feel seen, accepted, and understood. The SOLER model is a useful guide because it reminds caregivers that body language is part of communication.

In everyday caregiving, this can mean:

• Sit comfortably and non-threateningly.
  A slightly angled or L-shaped position may feel less intense than sitting directly face to face.
• Use open posture.
  Body language should show that the caregiver is available, not defensive or closed off.
• Lean forward naturally.
  This shows attentiveness when done respectfully.
• Maintain appropriate eye contact.
  Eye contact does not mean staring. It means showing enough attention to communicate presence.
• Remain visibly present.
  Looking at the phone, checking the time, or looking away repeatedly can make the person feel unimportant.

Other micro-counselling skills are just as useful. Open-ended questions such as asking how the person is feeling or what happened earlier can invite more than a yes-or-no answer. Paraphrasing shows that the listener has understood. Reflection of feelings helps name what the person may be feeling, while reflection of meaning helps them understand why the experience matters to them.

Empathy, boundaries, and self-care

Empathy is a skill that can be practised. It involves sensing another person’s emotions, imagining what the person may be thinking or feeling, and responding with care. It also requires restraint. A caregiver may have gone through something similar, but the focus should remain on the person who is distressed.

At the same time, caregiving does not mean carrying another person’s entire problem. Healthy detachment does not mean not caring. It means recognising that the caregiver can listen, support, and encourage, while the other person’s decisions remain their own.

Self-care is therefore part of caregiving. Caregivers may need to take breaks, speak to someone trusted, practise self-compassion, and recognise their own limits.

If the caregiver is also having a difficult day, it may be better to continue the conversation later or guide the person towards another source of support.

Sometimes, the most helpful response is not a perfect answer. It is presence: a short check-in, a few minutes of sincere attention, or a simple act of kindness. People may be struggling silently, and a small gesture can help them feel remembered.

Caregiving begins with listening. More importantly, it begins when the person in distress feels heard, understood, and less alone.

About the Author